I've been here before, this proverbial fork in the road. It's a different scene, and yet eerily similar. Sensations of deja vu come and go as I assess what's going on and how I got here again. I know it's not the exact same place I was before. It can't be the same place cuz I'm not the exact same person, and how I got here is different from the last time I was faced with a similar situation. Still, the feelings, the thoughts, the emotions, are all the same, if not more magnified cuz I know that I've been through this before. And although I've been through this process before, there are still so many unknowns and I still have so many questions that are unanswered.
I'm at this point in which I know I can't go back. I know things will never go back to how they were before, no matter how much I wish they could. That being said, which way do I go to move forward? There are pros and cons of either direction, and I simply don't know where to go. I've petitioned, prayed, and even asked people to do so on my behalf. Now, I wait. I wait for God to show me which path is the right one to take. I wait for God to reveal what His desires are for me at this point in time. I wait for God to push me towards a certain direction, though I know that it'll probably be more of a prod than an actual shove in a particular way. And amidst this time of waiting, I consult others, I lean on brothers and sisters for support, I try my utmost best to be patient for God's answer.
I know at the end of it all, I need to be the one to make a decision. I need to make a choice, to pick which path I will follow. As much as I'd like to canvass opinions from others, no one will tell me what they would do or what they think I should do, cuz no one wants that kind of pressure and responsibility placed on their heads if the chosen path ends up being the wrong one. I know I wouldn't, so I don't blame them. And yet in saying that, I wish the decision would just be made for me. Not because I don't want to take responsibility in making the choice, but moreso that I really just don't know and things are so muddled that I can't seem to tell right from left, forward from backward. I think it boils down to the fact that I don't trust myself to know which decision is the right one. I'm so saturated with emotions, that often, rational thinking seems to be non-existent. And yet in saying that, I have had rational thoughts, I just don't know if they're driven by emotions. It's like my head and my heart are having a battle and I have no clue which one is winning.
Everyone that I've talked to has agreed on one thing. I need time. Time to think, time to feel, time to pray, time to simply be. It's a really painful process, but I was told that it only hurts because God is molding you. I know that whatever the end result is, whatever path I end up taking, that God will change me and that God is teaching me. If I so choose the wrong direction, I know I'll have to deal with the consequences, which is probably why it seems like such a difficult decision to make. I don't want to set myself up for future failure. If there are warning signs now, I want to be wise enough to heed them and discerning enough to avoid them. And so, I'm back to square one: I need time. There's a lot at stake and I don't want to make a brash decision on matters of the heart without input of the mind and without the guidance of my Father.
So here I am again at the fork in the road. I've been here before. Everything's different, and yet so much the same.